Baxter Black and Baldridge Seasoning

From Cowboy Poet Baxter Black...

Sometimes it is embarrassing when your friends catch that entrepreneurial spirit. How many times have you gently tried to tell them that, sure, Amway's great, but what are you gonna do with all that soap in your closet? That you don't really need a water filter, or that networking chain letters is not your bag?

I used to have a weakness for get rich quick schemes, but now I feed cattle and dabble in Iraqi real estate.

Jim, a North Platte auctioneer and friend, was exploring the marketing possibilities of his latest venture (which followed the unsuccessful Starling Sanctuary and the pencils made of duck feet). He planned to supplant Mutant Ninja Pizza as the greatest thing since sliced cheese!

Jim's Secret Seasoning! To enhance your barbeque experience! He closed his eyes as visions of secret seasoning blanketed the earth like volcanic ash. You could almost smell the belch of Mount St. Helens. "But we gotta have a gimmick," he said.
We ordered another round of Cactus Perrier and explored alternative uses. It should be, we figgered, the only secret seasoning that could be bought by the yard, in bulk, like concrete or barley. Delivered in a twenty-ton end dump truck direct to the spice rack or driveway!

It could be applied to icy sidewalks or intersections. One could market it as a spray or cologne to be dabbed gently on the upper lip or around the sweatband, wherever perspiration would bring out its true essence.

Powder your shoes to prevent offensive odors. Or market it as an air freshener in the shape of a hog liver to be dangled from the rear view mirror.

Jim's secret seasoning could be used to disguise the real flavor of fruitcake, Metamucil, or airline food.

It could be served at cocktail parties, next to the punch bowl, in a fifty-pound block!

The list for potential uses was endless: tanning hides, pickling fatback, wart removal, Dumpster disinfectant, insecticide flavoring, cellulite peel...we planned on and on, calculating fertilizer spreaders, railroad cars, and supertankers scattering secret seasoning to the ends of the earth!

Exhausted and pink with excitement, he presented me a four-ounce bottle of his miraculous concoction. It was Grandma's recipe, he said reverently. He said he used it to flush his mules.

I wished him luck and bought half interest in the company for twelve dollars. Jim's Secret Seasoning...If you've got a secret, we've got the seasoning!